Just Updating

I only get a chance(or have anything to say) every once in a while. Much of this may be repeats as I need to reorganize myself all around. I started homeschooling my son and boy is it such a challenge. He has listened to me less than people outside of the family for a long time so I figured it would be on that respect. It’s very frustrating how much he tries to goof off and pretend to work rather than actually doing work. The only way I’ve been able to get him to actually do work is with worksheets and I’d like to do more. He has a tablet he was using but would go to games way more often than schoolwork. We may be without internet soon anyway as it’s getting harder to pay the bills with none of our “business” tasks earning any money currently.

Our vehicle is not running properly and that’s a huge obstacle for a few of my jobs so haven’t earned money there either. My selling on Ebay isn’t doing to well with some people seeming to want a product and then never paying for it. This makes it a pain to pay my child support too for my oldest. Not having money when you need to help someone else support your child is a good way to wind up in jail. My other kids’ fathers should be really glad I didn’t go after child support. It sucks I may wind up there for the inability to help care for my child monetarily even though I’ve never needed to go to jail for any other reason.

We still hope to move to a rural area at some point so we can grow our own food and live more self-sufficiently while hopefully making a little money to keep ourselves going. We already grow some things but we want a small farm and warmer weather. We are in the stage of trying to sell off or give away everything we won’t be taking. Which is a lot of what we have, but everything we have earned has gone towards current bills and still isn’t enough to get them caught up.

I’ve been thinking of writing a book about my life because I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my past lately. It had me in tears recently to think of my mother. I loved my mom so much and I’m realizing how much of a disappointment I was to her as I think of many situations. I still would be. I’m thinking of the book because much of what has gone on in my life is what you would read in stories or papers and think “That can’t be real”. I know I’ve got plenty to be grateful for but I still think much of my life sucked and know much of that was my own fault.

I have depression issues, always have really. When I get into that state it doesn’t seem to matter to me what I have. All I can think of in that state of mind is what’s wrong with me and all the “bad” things going on around me. I believe in God and am very spiritual(although I am not one of those who feels everyone has to believe as I do). I can’t bring myself to pray when I’m depressed. I dislike praying to ask for things to get better because I feel I should be able to make things better. I wish I understood how my fiance can put up with that part of me. Unfortunately, I’m in that state now and can’t see any of the silver linings to my situation. I’m not suicidal though, need to state that part. Even if I’d rather not be living in this world I will not take my life. I will continue to push through it. Before anyone would say I need therapy I will admit it doesn’t feel as though it helps me. I don’t enjoy talking to someone face to face about it. I prefer to run through it all in my head and let out the bits I want to at the times I want to. Which is basically when I’m feeling overwhelmed. Winter is the most depressing time for me, when you’re stuck in the house more often and left to your thoughts. That’s also the time when less work is available to me since I can’t function well in the cold.

I know this is a bunch of stuff no one really cares to hear about but it’s what was on my mind. On to the better things going on…

My littlest started Kindergarten. It’s a challenge for her because I have pretty much spoiled her and let her have her way. Because of that, I will have another set of appointments at some point soon for her to have therapy because the school is probably thinking she has ADHD when I am pretty sure her behaviors are learned and slowly reversible.She loves school though(who wouldn’t love being able to get out of the house everyday). She has become more docile at home due to being in school.

My second youngest is loving school just a bit more and is getting along better with her brother at home. She is a bit cranky at home each evening but I’m loving her progress. She is trying harder in school this year, and actually doing her homework more often. I’m really proud of her for it. Her older brother has started walking her to school for me since I need to wait at a bus stop for the youngest every morning. He is a huge help there.

My fiance’s son is also being homeschooled. There is a lot we’re realizing he was not taught so really isn’t on level but we’re trying to get him there. He seems to enjoy his homeschooling. His behavioral issues have gotten a little more tamed on many days. This brings a lot of hope.

The oldest is who she is(my fiance’s daughter). She is very good and thoughtful in many ways. Always tries to help her grandma out (grandma is going through some medical issues) with things around her place and babysits for her mom every weekend she is there. She wants to do some work project for her school and enjoys her Chorus class the most. She has also started selling Avon with her dad! You can check out their site here.

That’s it for now! I know it’s a long post and hope you enjoyed reading. Have a wonderful day/week/month….