LOST IN THE MIX

My son, as I’ve stated before, has issues. What cause them I honestly don’t know, there can be so many things that’ve happened to cause them. He was in a service called Children’s Integrated Services, we had a nice worker who got married and left for her husband’s career. The supervisor(I think) took over for her and sucked in my opinion at doing her job. We went after what is called SPOA(no idea wtf the acronym is) and he was refused because my boyfriend’s son has similar services. Also, because we live in the same household(although we run everything separately for the most part), my son has been dropped from his services. Now, while my boyfriend’s son’s service can integrate him to an extent, it will not be inclusive enough from the sound of it and my son will be lost in the mix. A shadow to my boyfriend’s son even though he needs just about as much help. While this is still nicer than my growing up where things like this were almost non-existent, it’s crap. Why does one child have to lose for another? Even when they are actual siblings. We are not married, we have our OWN things to take care of but try to create a family setting with these children and the government programs drop my son because we live with another child like him. The government crap here is forcing me to rely on my man when I was raised to be independent of a partner. While I do love him, there is no guarantees of everlasting in life and something can be gone in an instant. If he were to pass away(God forbid) or we split I’d no longer have his children either, or this home. I’d be forced to start this again from scratch. Life isn’t fair, I know this. This doesn’t show to be a help as much as it was an intrusion now. They came in, looked down on me from their prejudgments based on the school, told me what I was going to do and how shitty they thought I was, then just disappear.

I found out CPS also thinks I don’t supervise the children enough. I’m home pretty much all the time. Dealing with one argument or another and mediating or administering punishment, I barely get to leave the house because no one watches the children as often as needed. But I don’t supervise enough. I don’t take naps as much as I feel I need them some days for fear something will happen. Right now I’m sick with a fever and and can barely breathe or speak but not resting. But I don’t supervise enough. My boyfriend works during the prime hours of the day. He sleeps a bit later because the littlest ones keep us up until at least midnight every night and he has to work a hard and lousy job. I’m not working regularly because someone needs to be here with the kids. But it’s not enough. Nothing is ever enough for those outside looking in. We share our problems and many times all we get is someone looking down on us. They say God only gives you what you can handle, but I know that God gives people free will and those causing the problems are usually doing it because they have the need to control others. That is all I see this judgment and looking down on me as, a need to control me and my family. Not a care to help, but to hinder into submission. I do not submit. I will continue to not rest, I can rest when I die. The kids are worth it. But I will also continue to be me and not submit to domination.

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